Faith journey

I’ve been asked to write a short something (maybe you’d call it a testimonial) about my faith journey for church. It’s kind of an annual thing they ask three of four people to do around Lent, where they tell personal stories around the subject of their "faith journey." For some people it’s about an event that tested, or proved faith. Some people have spoken about turning points or epiphanies. For one man last year, it was a literal journey, describing his experiences in Buddhism, and Tao, as well Catholicism and various other branches of Christianity.

My problem is that, just at this point in time, I’m having a difficult time identifying my faith. That’s a whole other long story, not really appropriate for here. Suffice it to say it’s a struggle that I deal with regularly, between humanist understanding and belief, and ultimately what I have to leave up to faith. But that’s not exactly the kind of thing I feel comfortable standing up in church proclaiming. So I’m thinking what I might write about, and subsequently talk about, are certainties of what I believe, and maybe get to something of my journey that way. Below isn’t what I plan to talk about as much as a framework from which I can work out what I want to say. At least I hope I can work it out. I only have a week.

I believe in right and wrong. I believe that when you’re doing something you know is right, you feel it, the same way as when you’re doing something wrong, you know it. But I also acknowledge that sometimes the feelings get mixed. Sometimes we feel shame at doing the absolute right thing, and sadness at pursuing the course we know we ought to. Sometimes we feel joy in doing the absolute wrong thing. So we can’t always draw faith from these emotions, with assurance. But I believe that emotional turmoil is most often a sign of working hard against the flow of where one ought to be going.

I also believe in shades of grey; that there can be a right series of steps, capped by a wrong step, or a wrong series of steps corrected by a right one. I believe that, though everything can be simplified, that doesn’t mean there are any black-and-white easy answers. Accepting this can mean constant questioning examination of your mental state and motives and conclusions. And that can lead to…what’s the corporate expression?…paralysis of analysis. I personally hate that. I’m much more of a from-the-gut kind of guy, and that requires an inherent faith in ones motives, and confidence in ones emotional state to help guide action. I believe in Trust. And I believe that one has to know oneself well enough to be able to trust oneself, and that voice within, whether you want to call it a conscience, or the universe, or the voice of God. I believe one has to trust oneself. With the old Reagan caveat, Trust but verify. But ultimately, I believe there is an intelligence and a design and a reason to the world. I believe this is a caring universe. I believe people are meant to be happy. I believe that, while there is life, there is always a way. Always.

I believe in Love. Love is the greatest motivator in the world, and absolutely something you either “get”, or don’t “get.” (“Get” as in “understand,” not “get” as in “deserve.”) That’s made obvious by the universal understanding of nearly instantaneous love for a child. We look aghast at those who could abandon their children, or worse, harm them. It’s alien to this instinctual concept of connection to our young. I believe that people who don’t “get” love are missing something that is as inexplicable as trying to describe blue to a blind man. You can talk around it, but you can’t ever effectively communicate the true concept. And I believe that many don;t "get it, that most people only half "get it," and that even those who fully "get it" only "get" it half the time. So the majority of the time, we're all lost in a fog, without realizing how close we are to touching one another.

I believe in Joy. I believe we experience the potential of joy every day in a hundred ways, coming at us like those fluffy dandelion seeds in mid-summer, falling on our hair and clothes as we walk, but we’re too busily aimed at imaginary goals to be aware of it, instead brushing it off before we can experience its richness. I believe these moments have to be sought, and held fast. And I believe this is the second hardest thing I’ve ever had to learn.

I believe in passion, real, raw, intense, magenta-colored passion. I believe in this quote from Bull Durham (edited for PG rating, and for my own purposes, but otherwise unchanged from the movie): I believe in the soul, …, …, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. … I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. I believe in most of that. I mean, I’ve never read Susan Sontag (sue me). But I believe in love, and sex as one expression of that, albeit the highly prized and most dangerous one. I believe that self-sacrifice is another expression.

I believe that love can kick your @ss. “The Trouble with Love is,” Kelly Clarkson sings, “it can tear you up inside, / Make your heart believe a lie, / It’s stronger than your pride.”

I believe that one can change anything in the universe, really anything, except another person. I believe that figuring that out was the hardest thing I ever had to learn, and that I haven’t finished learning it.

I believe in what Margaret Mead said once; “Never doubt that a small, committed group of people can change the world,…indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” I believe in friends, and connection through common experiences and common goals.

I believe the key to finding faith is abandoning Fear in favor of Love, because Love and Hate aren’t as diametrically opposed as Love and Fear. Love connects you to trust, and belief, and hope as surely and certainly as Fear separates you from them. Hate can connect you to a different kind of trust, Anger to a different kind of belief system. There are hate groups across the country, across the world, and throughout history that bear this out. And at the core of each is the simple reactionary instinct of Fear. They’ll take our jobs. They’ll take our kids. They have what’s ours. They’ll change our way of life. I believe the world is rocked by fear, and healed by love. I believe that every faith there is in the world holds love at its core, and I believe that’s what binds us as human beings. But I believe that fear is always ready and waiting, presenting itself as a viable alternative, in neon lights and with free parking validation.

I believe in having faith, not as a backup for when all else fails, but as a stalwart proclamation that all else won’t fail.

And I don’t believe this really got me anywhere, yet. Yet. Guess my journey's not over.