60 in 6, part 4

Okay, with this one, I'm caught up. See the afterword.
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2/ 12/2006 (Mon)
Hit 250 and have plateaued here for a few days, which tells me it’s a real loss. The feeling in my heart is lessened. I feel a little better.
I felt real joy this weekend, for a moment. For a moment.

Goal weight: 255 lb.
Actual weight: 250 lb.
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2/ 19/2006 (Mon)
Still on track, but still have lost no additional weight. Still plateaued, but also not trying as hard. Focussing on getting work done. Also, have a semblance of an appetite back, and have been eating more in the past week, which does not facilitate loss, but encourages maintenance (not over eating).
Goal weight: 250 lb.
Actual weight: 250 lb.
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2/ 28/2006 (Wed)
After a fantastic weekend walking around NYC, I found I lost another 5! I am renewed. I am inspired. I am reborn. Life is magical.

Goal weight: 248 lb./BMI index 33
Actual weight: 245 lb.
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3/ 7/2006 (Wed)
Half way through to the goal-achieved date. Yesterday I pulled a suit out of the closet, which my sister bought for me as a college graduation present in 1986. Nice wool 3-piece. I’m wearing the pants today. It fits well!

I want to buy some leg weights this weekend, though a friend advised me against it. Said friends in her High School messed up their backs with those. But my take is, I’m used to carrying…what, another 45 lbs on my frame? I want to keep carrying that until I’m where I want to be. I think I want the weights. But in the interest of health, I’ll research first.

Goal weight: 246 lb.
Actual weight: 242 lb.
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3/ 23/2006 (Wed)
Okay, a slight skip in sequencing here, as the past week has gone by with no significant loss. I hovered around 242, then 243, then 240 then 242 again. Very frustrating, but also acknowledging that I’ve not been focused for the past week or so. Then I got focused on Monday, really started curbing what I was eating. The problem is that I’ve been feeling so much better that my appetite has been returning, which is always a problem, because then I stop being aware of what I’m eating, or even that I’m eating. Got it back under control now, and have stayed steady at 240 for three days. However, this brings me not so far ahead of my planned curve anymore, which means its more likely that soon I might slip behind.

Goal weight: 242 lb.
Actual weight: 240 lb./BMI 31
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3/ 26/2006 (Mon)
I really want to get down to 200. I know my initial goal is 220 (60 in 6) but my firmer goal is 200. My BMI goal is 180, but I’ve never been that light and kind of fear that a bit. Don’t know yet. But June is coming. Right now, I’m yo-yoing now around 240-up to 242, down to 238.

Weekends continue to be especially hard. I find myself distracted, lacking focus and motivation, and just generally disconcerted. Anticipating this, I’ve built some flexibility around my goal weight moving forward, giving myself 3 plateaus to stay at for 2 weeks, before I start sweating that I’m falling behind. Also, as a motivator, today I posted the first part of this blog online. That will kick the pressure up, and hopefully increase motivation.

A lot of people are asking me lately how I’ve done this. I go into changing my eating habits, changing my exercise routine, the amazing burst of energy that keeps feeding this process, and my own strong desire for change. But the truth is, I made the change because I want this change. When I’d decided that, really decided it, the rest has been relatively easy. Sometimes the desire to change is the hardest thing.

Goal weight: 240 lb.
Actual weight: 240 lb.

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3/ 31/2006 (Sat)
I am still at 240, and have been for several days, as the above shows. I still consider myself 40lbs away from my goal, but with the goal being 60 in 6, I still have 3 months to lose that last 40. And when I get the next 20 off, again, I may decide that's the place I want to be. I don't know yet. I'm having a hard time figuring out where the place I want to be, is. Or, more accurately, figuring out how to get to that place that I do want to be. The desire for change is the biggest thing, sometimes. That's the impetus for change, the inciting incident, in screenwriting terms. But the impetus to keep that change moving in a desired direction is an effort that is wearing. Like being born, or being in love, or surviving a catastrophe; it's exhausting in large doses, but incredibly necessary, compared to the alternative.

Sometimes I pray for the universe to just take over, to put my mind at ease, and just move me in the direction I'm supposed to go in, and pray that it coincides with the direction I want. Because I don't know how to accept any other alternative. I don't think I can.

In the interim, I'm still going.