Are you happy?

This is a question I feel compelled to ask people lately, and they look at me as if my second head had a blue mohawk. People walk around every day, and say “Hey, how are you doing?” as a meaningless greeting, eliciting the automatic, autonomic response “Fine, and you?”, or the less committal, “Can’t complain.” These rote catechisms, incidentally lost of all real meaning, are normal. No one thinks twice about them. I once knew someone I’d see daily whose response challenged this a bit. He’d ask “how are you doing” and meet the “Fine, and you?” with a smiling “Great, thanks for asking.” I later saw this adapted on South Park, with Gay Al answering, “I’m (th)super, thanks for asking.” He raised some eyebrows (the Marvel guy, not Gay Al) and elicited some smiles (again, the Marvel guy, though I’m sure Gay Al elicited some smiles in there, too.) It was something out of the ordinary, a bit eccentric. But he was on to something.

So, people been giving me such odd looks when, instead of “How are you?” I ask, “Are you Happy?” I’ve been doing it for a week now, and have been met with everything from odd looks to startled disbelief. Most often what I get are long explanations and qualifications for why the respondent can’t just say “Yes.” Maybe it’s the sincerity with which I ask that takes people aback. At least I hope the sincerity reads. I actually want to know who’s happy with where they are, with what they’re doing. I want to know how happy. I want to know who knows, and who doesn’t, and how many of those who don’t know, know or care why. Most people, in fact, can’t just say “Yes.” Because that’s not normal. Like if you walk down the street smiling. It makes people wonder what you’re up to. Or certain that they know already.

It seems almost a certain way to screw someone’s day, though it shouldn’t. What it should be is an opportunity. That’s how I intend it. Most people go through life so much on autopilot, they don’t stop to question if they are happy. More precisely, working hard to disguise and obfuscate whether they are happy or not, thereby making enjoyment of life, happiness, what Joseph Campbell called “following your bliss,” seem entirely beside the point. The point is to continue moving forward, one foot in front of the other. It’s a worthy distraction to stop and ask yourself if you’re happy, on that particular path. It’s a worthy problem to confront, from time to time.

This is inevitably leading up to something. One question. Am I happy? I wish I knew for certain. I thought I would be able to answer, by this point in the blog, knowing that I was coming here. I know I wish I could, with certainty, say “yes, absolutely happy. There’s nothing more I could want.” But I know that’s not true. I mean, I remember feeling that way in the past, for short periods, so I do know the feeling when I’m in it. Periods in high school, which, for me, was an excellent experience. I’ve since learned that this is unique. Periods in college, surrounded by friends, and real love. Periods at Marvel, doing something I dreamed about, and was proud of. Periods in my marriage, again surrounded by love. Periods at work, doing something exciting and challenging, and meeting that challenge, feeling like I’m contributing something of significance.

But I’m also aware of the feeling of knowing that, though all the ducks are in a row, and all the pieces for happiness are there, but the feeling, the actual feeling in the pit of my stomach or the flutter of your heart, is just somehow…absent. I know the roses are there, and I stop to smell them, but sometimes, it’s just a flower, not a moment. It should be a moment, a zen moment, where the world just falls away, and I can know, just for that moment. But something is missing. That “missing thing” feeling is something I’ve blogged about before, but I still have no easy answer for it. Maybe I’m just having a bad morning. Maybe I'm having contact withdrawl. Maybe I shouldn’t have forgotten to practice my “grateful” routine this morning (in a sense, this blog is the opposite of my thoughts just three days ago. That’s the pendulum swing I’ve been on, lately.). Or, maybe there is no easy answer. Maybe, sometimes, this wanting is just what it’s like to be human. I don’t know.

But I’m trying to figure it out. I’m working on my own personal ‘bliss list,’ of the things that I know make me happy.
Showing someone something they didn’t know (that they are glad to know).
Solving a challenging problem, or be part of the solution.
Making something beautiful. or cool, or interesting, or that I just plain like having made. Creating something.
Making my kids smile.
Getting a special note from someone I care about.
Feeling love, Real love.
Expressing love, and friendship.
Making someone else happy. To give that, and know that I gave it.
Or even just to help somebody else by getting them to figure out their own list, which maybe, just maybe, might help them figure out how to chase it down.

So, hey. Are you happy?