Mens Mags

Years ago, I used to do a lot of flying, on business. Being an economy-minded guy, I liked to get every dollar I could out of that, so signed up for frequent flyer mileage. However, the flying was infrequent, and never amounted to enough even to get a discount on travel. But about five months ago I got a notice that one of the programs had miles that were about to expire, and offered me a set of subscriptions in exchange, and before they expired. Seemed win-win.

My problem is I’m not a big magazine guy. I have not even one subscription. So the long list of possibilities they offered seemed unexplored territory. There were no magazines on computers, no MacAddict or MacWorld, no Step Up Digital Design, no HOW or Communication Arts. There were popular magazines, Popular Mechanics, TV Guide, Glamour, Cosmo, etc.

So, I asked my wife what trashy pleasures she’d enjoy a subscription to, and got the Cosmo, the Glamour, and a couple other magazines we never buy unless we’re going on an airplane. And I still had five subscriptions I could have. So I signed up for what I thought were two acceptable men’s magazines, Stuff and Maxim. I’d seen these at the newsstand, saw them advertised as “men’s magazines” in a way that didn’t make them synonymous with pornography. But I’d never picked them up. So I figured, what the hell.

I started getting the magazines a month ago. I’ve gotten two issues of each, thus far. In general, they read like they are aimed at oversexed, easily-led high school boys who need to be told what’s cool, and feel like they’re in on all the inside jokes, whether or not they’re funny. Except all the bikini-clad women on the cover and inside are much too old for high school. Still, they look like kids to me. Is that a sign I’m getting old? I don’t know. They make me feel like it. And they make me feel smart—as in too smart to buy these.

When I used to get Playboy, in my early single days, the older women in those pages were much more attractive to me at my younger age. I never had a thing for women that much younger than me. I considered college guys who dated high school girls a bit creepy, and that hasn’t changed a lot. Not me, brudda. It just seems to me that the women that populate these magazines are so young, so much about some kind of spring break, Porky’s-type fantasy, it’s hard to imagine the appeal. Is that the sign that I'm old? Some of the articles-like asking about which vitamins are best for men, or comparing sports drinks, or even stories about gun trafficking and Hollywood are okay, but even in that I can’t say, “oh, I like it for the articles.” I’m just not getting it, and man does that make me feel old. I mean, hey, I also think Eva Mendez is hot as the next guy (not that I think the next guys is hot…), but do people really pay money for this stuff? Month after month? Is there a way I can get my money back from a free subscription?

Lately also I’ve started to be aware of the magazines just because I have very young boys, and don’t want to leave the magazine lying around. But not for the same reason as I would’ve if I got Playboy. Or maybe it is for the same reason; embarrassment. But in this new case, it’s because I’m embarrassed that I gave my address to these people. My boys haven’t even started like-likeing girls yet (as anything other than friends). I don’t want this stuff around when they do. So, the good news is, I recycle. I just wish there was something about these magazines that made the two-minute trip from the mailbox to the recycling bin a little more interesting.