Feel better.

How do you make someone feel better? Is such a thing even possible?

I’ve been recalling an early Peanuts cartoon by Charles Schultz. In the first panel, Charlie Brown is sitting on a curb looking sad, and Violet and Lucy notice, and decide to walk over and cheer him up, in a spirit of altruism that seems very unlike them. So they walk over and stand for a beat, then Violet says, “Be of good cheer, Charlie Brown.” And Lucy adds, “Yes, Charlie Brown, be of good cheer.” Then, mission accomplished, they both walk off, feeling infinitely pleased with themselves, leaving Charlie Brown still sad, but now also puzzled as to what that was supposed to accomplish. Ha ha.

I remember reading that cartoon in a collected paperback book in elementary school, and thinking not that it was funny, but that it was true. That’s what we do. We see someone sad, and we want to fix it. (As usual, when I say we, I mean me, unless you can relate…)
We hate to see it. It hurts us to see another’s pain, or (maybe pain is too strong a word, though it’s sometimes appropriate) we hate to see another’s discomfort. Maybe it’s from the nobler inherent need to help others, to empathize with their pain and want to alleviate it. Maybe it’s from somewhere more selfish; seeing someone in pain strikes an internal chord that makes us begin to feel our own pain, and want to heal the other, at least cover it up in the other, before the infection can spread to us. I’m not sure if it matters which it is, and I suppose it depends more on your World View.

I choose to believe the former. I hope I choose to care. But that said, is there anything we really can do? When a person feels sad or bad about something, we may want to say or do something that makes it okay, but is there anything really, that we can do, except be around and watch as they go through it? Can any words fill the emptiness of loss, alleviate the terror of uncertainty, and stop the echoes of heart-wrenching tremors that rattle around in that empty space inside? We want to, sure we want to, but what can one really do?

Listening is often at once the least and the most we can do, and encourage someone to talk, to facilitate that. Not responding is sometimes the most we can do in response. That, and maybe hope that when and if they get through to the other end, that our mere presence and willingness to endure, was enough to help in some way.

Me, I like laughter. If it were me walking up to Charlie Brown, I might point to a spot on his shirt and ask him “what’s that?” and then bop him on the nose with my finger as he looked down, and hope that would amuse more than annoy. Because I happen to think the best way to feel better is to think of something that makes you happy, or has made you happy, or could make you happy. Again, maybe that’s too simplistic, but I’ve found if I can think of something good that’s more important than the bad thing I’m feeling, that sometimes helps me feel better. But by the same token, I’ve found talking to others and trying to get them to go through the same process, or to give them the gift of something to feel better about doesn’t always work. It’s more fifty-fifty. And the fifty that fails can fail pretty miserably. But I had a teacher in college that always said, "If I'm flying an aiplane and it's going to crash into a mountain, I hope it explodes in midair with tons of fireworks, seconds before it hits." In other words, if your going to fail, fail dramatically, and spectacularly. Well, sir, I do try.

So I’m left with no answer to this one. I don’t know if it is really possible to make another person feel better, really. The most we can hope for then, is that we can help ourselves to feel better, and that we can be there for the other person to help them find their own path to that place. And hope that, on occasion, you can get to that place together. Either that, or get tons of fireworks.